ABORTION—THE LEGACY. NINE UK WOMEN SPEAK OUT
Abortion—No Words to Describe the Anguish...
Abortion—The Decision to Deny a Child a Future
Nine women who had abortions have written about their experiences and the effect that it has had on their lives in a British newspaper.
Writing in the Daily Mail, the women expressed a variety of reactions and most said that they felt some kind of regret and guilt. Elaine Jowsey, who had an abortion aged 17 because her boyfriend refused to support her and the child, said, "My decision to deny a child a future has in many ways been a personal life sentence for me... I'm still not over my abortion."
Tina Mills-Baldock had an abortion when she found out that her unborn child had heart and kidney defects. She said, "There are no words to describe the mental anguish and terrible emptiness that swallows you in the days after an abortion...I don't think you ever get over an abortion completely. It's especially hard around the time of what would have been my son's birthday. A friend was pregnant at a similar time to me and when I see her little girl I imagine, if things had been different, having a child the same age."
Abortion: The Legacy
By NATASHA PEARLMAN, Daily Mail. 27th July 2006 by Sarah Fry
As the abortion debate rages, Femail talks frankly to nine women about their terminations:
Sarah Fry, 27, is an import clerk at Heathrow Airport. She lives in Stanwell, Middlesex, with her boyfriend Martin, 30, a prison officer. Sarah had an abortion at 18. She says:
The first time my parents knew I’d had an abortion was a few weeks ago, when I told them I’d spoken to a journalist about my experiences.
Even though I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant, I only ever discussed it with my boyfriend and close friends because I worried desperately what my parents would think of me.
When I got pregnant I’d only been going out with my boyfriend for a month and even though I cared for him deeply I didn’t want to bring a child into such a fragile relationship.
He wanted us to keep the baby. But there were so many things I still wanted to do with my life and I was scared of what my parents would say.
The morning of the abortion, when I was eight weeks pregnant, was awful and I worried I was doing the wrong thing. My boyfriend was more upset about it than I was - he ended up taking antidepressants in order to deal with it.
I still don’t think it was an easy decision, but at the same time I felt it was the right thing. I met my present partner three years ago and in September 2004 I came off the Pill.
We both wanted a child, but it took almost a year for me to conceive - that in itself worried me as I’d heard abortions can affect your fertility.
Our happiness was short-lived however, because five days after finding out about my pregnancy - and at seven weeks in - I miscarried.
I was really upset and immediately I thought of the abortion. But I know it’s not uncommon to miscarry a first pregnancy so decided not to let it affect me.
In January 2006 I conceived again, but again at seven weeks, we lost the baby. I was inconsolable. It feels like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster and I can’t help wondering if my losses have been the result of my abortion nine years ago.
My doctor hasn’t confirmed a link, but inside I blame myself. My termination was a quick fix because I didn’t want that baby.
I only wish I’d considered how I would feel when it came to not being able to have the babies I do want.
April Carey, 25, is a full-time mum. She lives in Bristol with her husband Simon, 25, a sales rep and children Josh, seven and Katie, three. April had an abortion at 16. She says:
I have never once doubted my decision to have an abortion. I don’t want that to sound blasé but for me, at that time in my life, it was absolutely the right thing to do. I can’t say it was pleasant, but I didn’t find it horrific either.
I found out I was pregnant about three weeks after I’d split with my first boyfriend. We’d always had good sex education at school and I’d been careful about taking the Pill, but as soon as I was being sick my heart sank.
I went to the doctor and he confirmed my pregnancy. At the time I wasn’t close to my own mother - I was too busy being a moody difficult teenager - and even though she told me she’d be there whenever I needed her, I wanted to make the decision myself.
I was more shocked than anything and knew a termination was more of an option than carrying on with the pregnancy. I was in the middle of my exams, wanted to go on to do my A-levels and felt I was too young to be a mum, especially a single mum.
Despite having finished with me a few weeks earlier, my ex boyfriend was a huge support and even came with me for the abortion. Afterwards, I was in a lot of pain and seemed to be bleeding constantly.
I ended up taking three weeks off school to give my body a chance to settle down. Although my form teacher knew, I didn’t tell anyone else about it -I didn’t want to be the centre of school gossip.
I know some people have been very affected by their abortions but I refused to dwell on it and carried on with my life as normal - sitting my GCSEs later that summer.
Three months later, I met my now husband Simon. Two years later, I fell pregnant again. The baby wasn’t planned, but this time a termination didn’t even enter our heads - we were in love and we were both really pleased.
We’ve since had another child and are very happy. If ever I think about the termination now, it’s only to remind myself that had I not had it, I would have been five months pregnant when I met Simon and we would never have got together.
So in that sense, I’m able to celebrate my abortion, rather than allow it to haunt me.
Stefana Brancastle, 31, is an actress. She lives in London with her husband Daniel, 41, an entertainment director. Stefana had an abortion in February 2006. She says:
My husband and I have been trying for a baby ever since we got married three years ago. We’d dreamt of starting a family, but tests showed I wasn’t very fertile so we knew we might have to wait a long time.
We decided not to have IVF because we wanted to try to conceive naturally. Then in January 2006 I developed symptoms very similar to cystisis, like needing the loo all the time and having pain - it never entered my mind I might be pregnant.
I went to the pharmacy but when the symptoms worsened and I started bleeding as well, I went straight to my local A&E, where the doctor diagnosed a urine infection and prescribed antibiotics.
Even though I took them for a week, the pain was still awful and I went to see a gynaecologist who told me I was pregnant.
I was elated, but her next sentence, after performing a scan, shattered my dream: "Something doesn’t look right with the baby."
The doctor believed, as did I, that the foetus had been harmed by my antibiotics. We decided to give it two more weeks to develop but I was inconsolable. I remember sobbing all the time as we waited for the results of the second scan.
This was the baby my husband and I had longed after, but I also felt very strongly about bringing a disabled child into the world. I used to work with disabled children and I decided long ago that if I could prevent it, I wouldn’t want a child of mine to experience such a difficult life.
They are human beings and will want to fall in love, get married, have children of their own. I didn’t want to be so selfish in my desire for a baby that I would deny my child the right to all those things.
When the doctor confirmed the baby wasn’t developing properly, there was no doubt in my mind what I had to do. I spent the few days before the termination saying goodbye to the baby.
There was one night in particular where I felt very at peace. I don’t know if the baby was speaking to me or not, but I felt connected to him - I’m sure it was a he - and felt as though he knew I loved him and was doing what was best for him.
Despite the circumstances, my termination, under general anaesthetic, was was painless and smooth and I’m glad I don’t have any memory of it. I am a spiritual person and I do believe my boy will come back to me.
When the time is right, I’ll fall pregnant again. And next time, I hope I will have the chance to meet him. But nothing about my decision to have an abortion was easy.
Tina Mills-Baldock, 32, a nurse, lives in Hornchurch, Essex, with her husband Ian, 35, a policeman, and their children Tyler, ten and Charlie eight. She had an abortion when she was 27. She says,
Ian and I always thought we would have to adopt children. I suffer from severe endometriosis, which causes the lining of the womb to grow over other tissue, and my doctor had warned me it was likely to cause infertility.
Because of this we never felt the need for contraception. So it was a complete shock when I fell pregnant with Tyler. My doctors couldn’t explain it and it was even more of a miracle when I became pregnant again two years after that.
After being blessed with two children I couldn’t believe it when once again I fell pregnant at the beginning of 2000. However, our joy turned to despair when my 12-week scan revealed there were serious defects with the baby’s heart and kidneys.
We were both distraught. But we also felt that we had already been unexpectedly blessed with two healthy children who needed us and we couldn’t burden the family with the deliberate choice of having a baby who would have no quality of life.
At 15 weeks I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion. Though the reason was a valid medical one, there are no words to describe the mental anguish and terrible emptiness that swallows you in the days after an abortion.
I was so full of anger, grief and guilt and though I saw a counsellor on three occasions it didn’t help. I functioned on auto-pilot for the sake of the children but I couldn’t work and would rarely leave the house.
Ian wouldn’t talk about it and I felt angry with him for that. This went on for at least six months until a mother of one of my friends said: "Some people don’t know their child is going to be born badly disabled.
"They have no choice and it can tear their world apart. You had a chance to make a choice and you should be thankful for that."
It was such a profound reality check and I kept reminding myself of this as I began to come to terms with what had happened.
I knew then I also needed outside help. So I contacted ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices) who put me in touch with DIPEX, a research project at Oxford University about people’s antenatal choices.
I don’t think you ever get over an abortion completely. It’s especially hard around the time of what would have been my son’s birthday. A friend was pregnant at a similar time to me and when I see her little girl I imagine, if things had been different, having a child the same age.
Alison Jones, 39, is an operations director. She is divorced and lives in Bristol and Holland with her daughter Rachel, 15. Alison had an abortion at 21. She says:
I’ve got no qualms about having had an abortion. I did it for the right reasons.
The father was a married policeman which was far from socially acceptable, and I don’t believe I’d be the successful businesswoman I am today if I’d had a baby at 21.
I’d gone to the doctor’s because I was feeling generally under the weather. I was on the Pill, wasn’t showing at all, and my periods hadn’t stopped either, so it hadn’t even crossed my mind I was pregnant.
At 18 weeks gone, there was no time to mess around with making a decision. But from the outset, I looked at things very calmly and rationally.
I didn’t want a child because I was far too young and I knew the man I was with, who was ten years older than me, would not support me.
I came home and discussed it with my parents, who were both level-headed, too. They didn’t know I was having an affair with a married man, and I didn’t volunteer the information, and they advised me to consider all my options.
But my mind was made up and I went ahead with a termination two days later without discussing it with the baby’s father. I didn’t see the point. The only thing I was worried about when I arrived at my local hospital was having a general anaesthetic. I was scared I wouldn’t wake up.
I told the policeman a couple of days later. At first, he didn’t believe me. To prove it I had to show him a referral letter from my GP. He was shocked and insisted he pay for it even though I’d had it done for free on the NHS.
I remember him coming to my office and handing over £300, which was pretty surreal. That was a lot of money in those days, so my parents put it in a savings account for me.
The termination didn’t affect our affair. We carried on going out for another two years. There have only been a few occasions since when I’ve give the matter much thought.
I tend to think about that baby over Christmas while watching Rachel open her presents. I just wonder what could have been, but the thought doesn’t traumatise me.
Susie Corfield, 26, a training officer, lives in South London with her husband Richard, 27, a civil servant. Susie had an abortion when she was 23. She says,
I couldn’t believe it when the thin blue line slowly emerged on the pregnancy test. All I could think was "what on earth am I going to do" ?
I’d been with my boyfriend Richard for about 18 months after meeting him through a dating agency. We’d just moved into a rented flat together and though I could see us having a long-term future, children certainly didn’t figure in our plans.
In fact several months before, I’d had a diaphragm fitted by my GP to make sure I didn’t fall pregnant.
When Richard got home that Friday night and I broke the news, he was horrified. As we sat down in mutual shellshock he said: "I would like to have children one day, but not now."
We decided I should see my GP immediately about a referral for an abortion. I tried to divorce myself from the emotional consequences and concentrated on making a rational decision.
On the actual day I felt frightened by the physical implications and yet emotionally numb. I was only eight weeks pregnant and distanced myself from any thoughts of this thing inside me being a baby.
In the weeks leading up to the termination Richard and I had also tried hard not to talk about what was going to happen. I suppose we were in denial.
I was only in hospital for a day and back at work three days later. It was a swift, efficient end to our ‘problem’. But though our life returned to normal, underneath my calm surface I felt desperate.
Richard wouldn’t talk about the abortion so I began to keep a journal to record my chaotic thoughts. I felt miserable, unappreciated and, if not regretful, incredibly sad about what had happened.
I even looked at an eight-week foetus on a pregnancy website so I could be assured the baby had no visible characteristics.
But however depressed I felt I was determined it shouldn’t break up what I had with Richard. It had been a joint decision and I had to live with that.
This went on for about a year and it was then I realised I needed help. I went on a ten week post-abortion counselling course and was able to work through my emotions.
I also got involved with an organisation called Abortion Rights to encourage women to be open about the decision they make without worrying about criticism.
Thankfully, Richard and I came through this and in June 2005 we finally got married. We would like to have children together but not for another few years.
I can’t say I regret what I did, only how I handled it. You need support, advice and to be able to open up about what might be the most difficult decision of your life.
Louisa Philips, 40, is divorced and lives in Notting Hill, West London, with her sons Luke, ten, and William, three. She had an abortion when she was 37. She says:
I was 37 and had just started a new relationship with my boyfriend Mark when I became pregnant. Contraception has always been problematic for me.
I’d tried the coil, but it didn’t suit me and because I was over 30 and smoked my GP wouldn’t put me on the Pill.
At the time, I was in a highly emotional state because my mother was dying of breast cancer. I had also just been ill with a kidney infection, which needed an X-ray.
The moment I realised I was pregnant I told my GP about the X-ray and he immediately said there was a high chance of my baby being born disabled.
Devastated, I paid to see a top paediatrician, who also advised me to have an abortion, saying there was a 70 per cent chance of the baby having problems.
I still couldn’t come to terms with it, so I went to see a Reiki master and spiritual healer - I felt there was no one else to turn to for impartial advice, all my family and friends were emotionally involved.
I asked if the healer’s spirit guide could connect with the foetus. She said she had a very strong sense that the baby wasn’t 100 per cent perfect and that he was happy to go to the other side, but would be back again soon.
Immediately I felt enormously relieved because I’d been feeling so guilty. Twelve weeks pregnant, I returned to my GP who sent me to hospital. I couldn’t bear to look at the scan, but the nurse let slip that my baby was a boy.
Because of my kidney infection, high temperature and having had an X-ray, my abortion was granted purely on medical grounds and I didn’t have to go through any counselling.
But the only way I got through the termination was knowing that the spirit of my foetus had forgiven me and that he was going to come back. Three days later I went into St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, had anaesthetic and came out the same day.
Almost immediately I got pregnant again and, sub-consciously, I’m convinced that I wanted my baby to come back.
Elaine Jowsey, 36, is a full time Mum. She lives in Northumberland with her husband Ross, 24, a fireman and children Katie, 13 and Anya two. Elaine had an abortion at 17. She says:
My decision to deny a child a future has in many ways been a personal life sentence for me. The first time I had sex I fell pregnant.
I’d been going out with my first boyfriend for seven months and we stupidly didn’t use protection, but I was so young I didn’t really understand the consequences.
I was petrified - especially when my boyfriend make it clear he didn’t want me to keep the baby. He said if I didn’t get rid of it, I’d never see him again.
My parents offered to support me whatever decision I made, but I knew they were heartbroken. My father slumped down in his armchair, put his head in his hands and broke down crying. I felt so ashamed.
My greatest worry was that I wasn’t responsible enough to look after a baby. I’d left school but I was still young and didn’t have any way of supporting a child.
The weekend I went into hospital was awful. I was put on a ward with a group of pregnant women - everyone was so excited about having a baby but I felt guilty about terminating mine.
Every hour or so the nurses would come back and ask if I was still sure I wanted to go ahead - it made the experience so much worse.
Although at first I was upset by my boyfriend’s reaction, I never confronted him about it and we ended up staying together for four more years. But we barely spoke about what happened but I was racked with so much guilt, the abortion became my dark secret.
No-one apart from close family and my boyfriend knew about it, and if the topic ever came up in conversation, I would never admit to having had one.
I was terrified people would think badly of me. My guilt worsened when at age 23, I met my first husband and had Katie. Every time I looked at her I thought of the baby I’d terminated.
I fell into a terrible depression and began to think anything that went wrong in my life was my punishment for having a termination and I turned to alcohol.
Eventually I pulled myself together and had counselling in my early 30s. It was the first time I’d spoken about how I felt.
It made me realise that while I believe I made the right decision at the age of 17 - I really wasn’t capable of bringing up a child - I could never destroy another potential life.
After I had Anya I decided I didn’t want any more children and chose to be sterilised so I would never face such an awful choice again.
I’m still not over my abortion - I even wrote a letter to the baby that might have been and buried it in the garden - it would be 19 now, and probably at university.
Linda Eaglesfield, 47, is an actress. She lives in Hertfordshire with her partner, Norman, 36, a professional poker player and children Zoe, 21, Roxanne, 11 and Connor, ten. Linda had an abortion at 19. She says:
The truth is, I never wanted an abortion. It was 1978 and I was 19 when I discovered I was pregnant. I’d been with my boyfriend for five years and we’d recently got engaged.
When I realised I was expecting I was so excited but he was horrified and said that at 22 he was too young to become a father.
Devastated, I returned home to my parents and they put pressure on me to have an abortion. My mother said I was too young and irresponsible and my attempts to fight my corner were futile.
Within a week, I’d been booked into a hospital and had my abortion. I’m not saying it was the wrong decision, but it definitely wasn’t my decision - I really wanted to have the baby and that choice was taken out of my hands.
As a result, I felt cheated and angry at everyone. In 1980, I met and married Zoe’s father, but we had difficulty conceiving and I blamed the abortion for my troubles.
My doctor was reluctant to confirm a link, but there’s a wealth of anecdotal evidence suggesting a termination can affect future fertility.
When in 1985, shortly after Zoe was born, I fell pregnant again and miscarried, I became convinced the two were linked. I started drinking in secret.
With the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and counselling I eventually managed to cut down while trying to fall pregnant with Roxanne and Connor.
For a long time I regretted the abortion because of the terrible sense of guilt, but I have to be philosophical about it. I now believe that baby just wasn’t meant to be, and I am back in control of my life.
Daily Mail, 26 July, 2006. CLICK TO READ MORE.....